I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Farmville is her only friend.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
