He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
