I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I just gift wrapped bread.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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