just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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