Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize