my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
