im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
