If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
BRING THE BAGELS
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
