I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
