When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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