You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
How does it feel to date your dad?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
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