dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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