I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
