Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
