Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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