He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
