Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
