we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
