Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
