dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
