I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
