Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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