please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
