if you like me you must not know who I am
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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