And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
