Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
