So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
