proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Found the puke drawer
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
