Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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