2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
