It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
