I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize