I am midnight drunk by noon
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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