we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
