My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
