why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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