what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
