We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
