i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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