from now on my penis is your penis
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize