I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
