I wish life had little blips of pornography
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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