I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
