so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
