Can i not drive my cunt home
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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