Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Randomize