Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
