In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize