When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
