I'd wear matching sweaters with you
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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