and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
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