TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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