I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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