Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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