It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize