so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
