I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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