Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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