Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
