My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
