3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
