WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize